by Brett Nelson January 9, 2022
www.brettnelson-author.com
Forgiveness—it’s a topic that has come up in conversations with two close friends in the past two weeks, and today I saw the topic in an online prayer group I subscribe to. It’s an important topic, and my conversations with good friends have me thinking about it a lot lately.
When we have people in our life, we’ll have conflict. It is as inevitable as the sun setting at the end of a long day. Sometimes conflict will arise from people we don’t like, but unfortunately the worst conflicts can come from those we admire, love, and of whom we think a great deal.
I recall a time when a person I admired said some very cutting words to an entire group of people. Not only I but a whole group was deeply wounded by unnecessary careless words. Is the person who said the words a bad person? Not at all, but people placed in positions of authority often think they have the right to speak to people however they want without consequence, out of a place of pride and arrogance. To make matters worse, an apology was never issued and the person, though they knew of the widespread hurt they caused, never spoke of it again–at least not to my knowledge–again, a telltale sign of pride and arrogance in a person’s life.
To this day, when I encounter people who had the misfortune of being part of the group that day, the conversation of that hurt frequently comes up. Why? Not because people enjoy remembering that day and those words, but because of unresolved lingering hurt from someone they loved and appreciated–someone who never loved them enough to consider that their words may have been inappropriate and harmful.
Sadly, this person’s words pierced so deep that it impacted the way I viewed them and thought of them. I still love them and would do anything for them, and I don’t want anything bad to happen to them, but the respect I once held for them is gone. I can probably count on two hands how many times I’ve spoken to the person since that unfortunate event over ten years ago, and that breaks my heart.
The wall that went up between us that day either went unnoticed by the person, or they simply didn’t care, because they never let go of their pride in an effort to fix what they’d broken. At one point, I did get a very generic apology out of them–an “I don’t know what I did, but whatever it was, I’m sorry.”
I guess I’m grateful to have even received that, for whatever it’s worth, but that kind of apology honestly felt like a punch to the face–like pouring salt in a wound–because a genuine apology by a person with integrity isn’t generic but is specific. I know in my own life, when I’m in a position that I know I need to apologize, the apology is always heartfelt when it’s someone I love because I want complete reconciliation, not the tattered remains of a fractured friendship. I guess the type of apology you get is the person’s way of telling you just what they think of you.
For years, I avoided the person at all costs. If I saw them turn a corner, I’d turn another to keep from seeing them. If I saw them on one side of the room, I’d go to the other side to avoid contact. Not the healthiest way to deal, but that’s how I dealt with it.
Today, enough time has passed that if I see the person in passing, I can smile and exchange quick greetings, even hug their neck, but things just aren’t the same. I’m not happy to see them the way I used to, and I often wonder if they’d cared to offer a proper apology, would it have salvaged a friendship? I suspect it would have, but I guess I’ll never know. I do know that minor skirmishes over the years with this person wouldn’t have felt as monumental had the first incident been handled in a godly and healthy manner.
A friendship I enjoyed fell by the wayside, and much of the hurt over the years probably could have been avoided had someone had the guts to mutter two simple words: “I apologize.”
While it hasn’t been a pleasant experience emotionally speaking, it has taught me a valuable life lesson or two. The person has revealed themself as a fine example of the kind of person I never want to be. I never want to ostracize someone or cause further hurt by neglecting two such simple words. When I see walls come up in friendships, I never want to turn my back and leave a wall looming in the wake of disaster. To me, people are worth letting go of my pride to preserve a relationship.
Years ago, I read somewhere that the worst conflicts will come up with people we love because their words and actions weigh more heavily on our lives than a random person we’ve just met by happenstance. When a random person says something rude to us at the mall, it makes us angry in the moment, then we get over it pretty quickly because we don’t know them and will probably never see them again. Their words really don’t mean a lot to us in the greater scheme of things, and this time next week, we probably won’t remember them or their words.
It’s at times like this–when a person you love has skewered your heart with their words or actions–that the war between your flesh and the war between what you know is right begins to wage. Our fleshly nature rarely immediately wants to forgive a person who has hurt us. Our flesh often wants to hold onto the wound, to rehash it over and over in our minds, then let the hurt simmer until it has boiled over into full-blown anger and resentment. Left unchecked, this can result in unforgiveness and bitterness. Unforgiveness and bitterness can fester and quickly turn us into the type of people we really aren’t.
So, what do we do when we struggle to forgive those we love?
I think forgiveness isn’t always a “one time” deal. One time forgiveness—done and done—can happen, but even for Christians who want to live in forgiveness, it doesn’t always happen instantly.
When we’ve been horribly hurt by someone’s careless words, marginalized by someone’s actions, etc, sometimes, unfortunately, we have to forgive that person every time we see their face, every time we hear their voice, or even every time we hear their name.
As Christians, when those waves of hurt, anger, disappointment, even hate, wash over us, (we have an enemy trying to steal, kill, and destroy our lives with things like unforgiveness and anger-John 10:10) that’s when we have to immediately determine in our heart to once again forgive that person who hurt us. That’s why Jesus told Peter he must forgive a person who sins against him not SEVEN times but SEVENTY TIMES SEVEN (Matthew 18:22). This tells me forgiveness isn’t always a one-time event in our life, but sometimes an ongoing event.
In other words, when those feelings of unforgiveness rage yet again in our hearts, we recognize it for what it is and resolve to forgive them again, even when the person hasn’t apologized, and possibly never will apologize.
Let’s face it, an apology may never come because the person is no longer with us, or perhaps because a person’s pride and arrogance is too big, and they just WON’T apologize for what they’ve done (this is their burden to bear, not yours, so don’t try to carry it yourself…let THEM carry it!)
With time, I think, lots of willingness on our part, and with the Holy Spirit’s help, forgiveness becomes easier and those negative feelings become fewer and far between—even when you don’t have the apology you need.
Forgiveness is a journey we must intentionally embark on, and not grow weary with a sometimes long and painful journey. It’s not as simple as us “giving it to God” and trying to forget, but involves intentional action on our part.
Forgiveness is hard, it’s messy, and it’s painful, and we’ll probably never forget, but fight with your life to choose forgiveness, because your life’s happiness and your eternal spiritual well-being depend on it.
On the flip side, If you know you’ve hurt someone, just let your pride go and apologize—make amends! It’s hard, but not THAT hard. And “gee, I don’t know what I did, but I’m sorry” isn’t a proper big boy/girl apology. If you honestly don’t know what you did but know something isn’t right between you and a person, open a conversation and find out. It’s called maturity and just being a loving person. Forgiveness and reconciliation is a two-way street between both parties.
I’m talking mostly to myself here, but maybe someone else needs a friendly reminder, too.
In this new year of 2022, don’t be afraid to say “I apologize” when you need to say it. If someone offers a heartfelt apology to you, be kind enough to accept it, because offering an apology isn’t always easy. Let’s make an effort to be kinder to each other this year–to be more forgiving, because we all are imperfect and in need to each other’s mercy.
Blessings until next time,
Brett Nelson
www.brettnelson-author.com